Scenes of chaos as research shows factors of underachievement exactly what teachers thought they were anyway

Circuses: 'not ideal for raising academic aspiration,' apparently.
Bedlam descended on the world of education as teachers reacted to the shock findings of  recent research, which claimed that, among other things, children who came from families that take drugs, have no money, or don't value education, have less chance in school than others.

'I don't know what's real any more,' wept one teacher who asked not to be named. 'Previously I had thought that kids raised in crack dens with two absentee parents and a day job scraping rust from the underside of moving trains were my best bet in the GCSE sweepstake. Now nothing makes sense and I don't know if I should be teaching them about chromosomes or hitting them with a shovel.'

'Make the madness stop,' he added.

Researchers at the Faculty of Research and Facts were adamant that this information would revolutionise how we understand the link between 'having a hard life' and 'not finding things easy'. 'This shows once and for all that children who have hard lives often continue to have hard lives, flying in the face of the common sense opinion that they will eventually find a magic lamp with a genie inside it. Now that theory can be well and truly put to rest.'

Faced with claims that this research was just what everyone already thought, the Spokesman was defiant. 'This is completely untrue. Now it's in a list.'

Teaching Unions saluted the findings. 'Now that we've discovered the Holy Grail of understanding 'difficult' we can take this data and really start to make a difference,' he said.

In other news: People who earn less money 'are poorer than people who earn more.'


  1. Yep. In new research published today, water found to be wet.

    Ah, the wonders of modern science!

  2. The same ideologues who are happy with failure - the enemies of promise - also say you can't get the same results in the inner cities as the leafy suburbs so it's wrong to stigmatise these schools.

    Let's be clear what these people mean. Let's hold their prejudices up to the light. What are they saying?

    If you're poor, if you're Turkish, if you're Somali, then we don't expect you to succeed. You will always be second class and it's no surprise your schools are second class.

    I utterly reject that attitude. It's the bigoted backward bankrupt ideology of a left wing establishment that perpetuates division and denies opportunity. And it's an ideology that's been proven wrong time and time again.

  3. @ Michael Gove


    And thank you for giving me a heart attack for EXACTLY five seconds.

  4. Oh Gosh - I think I would have had kittens if that had been my blog that the @MichaelGove comment was on!

  5. I think I'd have had kittens if I'd read that comment.

  6. Michael Gove AND Mrs Miggens! The ministerial sphere has intersected with Blackadder..


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