Saturday, 3 December 2011

United Nations condemns #pencilchat as cruel and unusual punishment

'Er...pencils!.......computers!....pencils!...'
Inappropriate metaphor beaten to death by groovy hipsters

The international community was up in arms today over claims that a rogue metaphor had been 'dragged through the streets and flogged to death' in full view of the public over the last 24 hours. The metaphor, known as #pencilchat had enjoyed a short but discrete life of relative obscurity, before it was pounced upon by hordes of educationalists all shouting, 'Death to the Pencil,' 'This metaphor must be stretched across a rack a mile long,' and 'What's this about anyway?' At the time of press, the corpse of the metaphor was still being poked at by latecomers to the brutal spectacle, many of them simply repeating things that had been done several hours previously.

'It's awful,' said H.B. Parker, an official observer for fair play in allegory (FPA). 'This metaphor may have done wrong in its own small way, but the treatment it received from hundreds of strangers across the world was disproportionate to all sense of justice. It was stretched so thin that even a robust metaphor wouldn't have been able to stand the stress. And this wasn't a strong metaphor in the first place.'

'It's just resting.'
There was some evidence that the savage, post mortem flogging had started to die down, as Twitter started to bore of torturing the metaphor and people turned to more important things like George Monbiot and football. As the crowd started to dissipate, many simply posted amusing pictures of pencils in the hope that they too could score a hit, although most attempts simply fell short of the mark.

'Pencils are like anal sex,' said one desperate tweeter, hungry for blood. 'You don't want it, but Jeremy Clarkson gives it to you anyway. Does that work?' he said, looking confused.

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