Police were the rioters, not us, claim rioters

'Get into that f*cking Argos NOW, kid!'

In a recent survey by the London School of Surveys and the Guradian Newspaper as many as 105% of rioters involved in last Summer's violence said that it 'wasn't their fault.' Many (115%) of them also went further, claiming that despite all physical evidence to the contrary, it was the police's fault that they rampaged through the High Street.

'Many think that merely because we decided to lever ourselves from our leather-effect sofas,  cover our faces with bandannas, carry tyre irons and then smash in every window in the shopping centres, stealing everything like particularly odorous locusts, that it was somehow 'our fault.' Nothing could be further from the truth.'

He explained further.

'We live in a police state; just the other day I was asked to take my hood down in ASDA so that the fascists could film me and steal my soul. In many ways, it's just like Nazi Germany. OK, this time it was us smashing in the windows, but you get the idea. We as a generation have been marginalised by a world that doesn't care, so it's only to be expected if we want to show our frustration at being unable to afford a high-end iPad workstation; as artists, we choose to express this frustration through the medium of steaming through Lidls. What of it?'

When asked if their actions could have been seen in any way as indicative of greed, cruelty and personal choice, he was indignant. 'It was the police that MADE us do it,' he said. 'Why, they practically frog-marched us into Comet. If they hadn't stop-and-searched my brother Wayne-Marcus-MischaB last week then all this could have been avoided. I'd probably be at home reading Proust or something. I nicked some Proust last week. A 'book' I think they call it on E-Bay.'

'Society has left us out in the cold. So we're stealing jumpers and electric blankets and that. What have they ever done for us? Nothing. Apart from free education for fourteen years? Nothing. Well, that and law. And social housing. And of course health care, there is that. I suppose you could also say an infrastructure. Apart from those kind of things, what have they actually done for us? When was the last time society gave me a shoulder rub? An X-Box Dance Wii Zumba extension pack? Eh? That's right: you're quiet now.'

Next week: the shock results of the LSE's prison survey: 'Are you innocent?'

We say: surely the government must act now and lock up ALL police officers who were on duty that night? IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND.