Bankers: 'Better at taking risks with your money than making friends'

Russian Mafia: 'Applicants not vicious enough.'

People working in the finance sector are good at awarding themselves agreeable bonuses and managing their portfolios, but are poor at empathising with the needs of others or possessing a sense of humour about anything other than cruel jibes at the expense of the impoverished, a survey suggests.

Research by the Institute of Tautologies found that while they scored highly on tasks requiring avarice, egoism and the accumulation of wealth for its own sake, tasks that required collaboration, sympathy and sensitivity to the impact of one's actions were performed less well.

The Institute found that only 25% of leading financial institutions possessed any sense of social responsibility suitable for inclusion in humanity, while the remaining 75% received lower scores than the Cosa Nostra or packs of scavenging vampires in those areas.

Said one recent applicant, 'While I'm disappointed that I wasn't selected to join the lowest untouchable rank of their vile anti-life gang of aristocratic desperadoes, I can content myself with the fact that, even stacking shelves in Lidl provides more moral and spiritual nourishment than allying myself with the armies of The Beast.'

'And while I may be functionally illiterate and incapable of  making a decision beyond which brand of Pot Noodle I choose to mainline for breakfast, I, at least possess a sense of humour. And, indeed, some friends,' he added.

To read the original report in full, click here.