|'I'm not feelin' this Ofsted.'|
I was, of course, a participant. I don't like to talk about it.
It was hosted by Cilla Black, who in those days was hotter than Simon Cowell, Graham Norton and Alan Carr in an enormous Human Centipede of light entertainment and populist whimsy. It was on just after Gladiators, in which I also harboured a dream to participate (my battle handle was going to be 'Plato', who incidentally was a wrestler before he realised the big bucks were in moral cognitivism).
It was an early precursor of the tsunami of cheap humiliation fare we currently describe as reality TV. Joe Public is cheap, unsophisticated, and liable to do something stupid to appear interesting. It's a long way from Masterpiece theatre, but there we are. One picker *points to self* would ask three smart-bomb questions to to the three lovelies on the other side of a sliding door, and true romance would be determined in this way. One of the most common questions would be something like, 'If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?' To which the normal reply would be something like, 'A Ferrari because....I go red and cost a lot of money,' or something. It was that kind of experience. I have wiped it from my data banks.
|Dear GOD oh JESUS CHRRRRIST|
Currently there are two Big Beasts rearing up against each other on Saturday prime time: Britain's Got Talent, Cowell's application letter for membership of the Illuminati, and The Voice, BBC1s kindler, gentler Next-Gen spin-off/ rip-off from same. As I watch them both- and this is a shibboleth for the teacher who wants lazy analogies to crowbar into his lesson- I am struck by the lessons these TV gauntlets can teach us about ourselves as a profession. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....
Teachers- What Reality Show Judge Are You?
|You can almost feel the chemistry from here|
Amanda Holden- You are the teacher who still tries hard to convince others that you are twenty-five. You fool no one, but some sixth formers are naive enough to turn up early because of your earnest attempts to dress as provocatively as staff dress codes permit. Another feature of this teacher is that they are possessed of no discernible talent whatsoever. Of course, in the topsy-turvy world of the classroom, this means that you are the one in charge of evaluating other teachers, who can barely conceal their surprise that you are qualified to do anything other than ask sailors if they need their 'tummies tickled'.
David Walliams- The kids think you are funny. They also think you are gay. If you are this teacher, they will ask you this openly; if not, they will merely write it on the desks in permanent marker. You will spend a lot of time having shy young men in drainpipe jeans and eyeliner leaving poems on your table 'accidentally'. Also, you are the kind of teacher who thinks that every kid is brilliant, and deserves- and gets- and 'A' for every paper. You may teach a Humanities subject.
Nicole Scherzinger/ Carmen Elektra etc- You are a supply teacher. You believe that the way to get the kids working is to inspire them, and being as positive as possible to everyone. Because they know you won't be around next week, many kids will ask, 'Who are you?' and 'Are you a REAL judge?' You often don't know how to reply to this question, although you are asked it twenty five times a day.
Alesha Dixon- You used to be one of the kids at school, and you came back a few terms later as an NQT. Secretly, you worry that there isn't enough distance between you and the kids you teach. You are often mistaken for one of the sixth formers, and not in a good way. Graffiti that YOU wrote is still visible in the school.
|Form a queue, ladies|
Jessie J- You listen to phat urban beats, wear Skechers and Top Shop, and believe that you can use ghetto slang with impunity, because you imagine you understand the kids. Theh kids pity you for this. You scorn lesson plans, and encourage creativity; examinations are just a way for the system to disempower left brain thinkers. You are the teacher most likely to have a party and invite the students. You are also the teacher most likely to allow prize students to snort toot diagonally from your bum cleavage.
|Prince Will-i-am. (Ed's note: check)|
Danny O' Donoghue- You have boundless enthusiasm for every child in the Universe, and you want everyone to be on your team. Sadly, no one knows who you are. You may be an LEA consultant, a member of SLT, or an educational blogger.
Cast your votes. *warning- voting has now closed; your vote will not be counted but charges may still be made to your BT landline*