|Sponsors of Educating Essex|
This is difficult entry, because EE has given me so, so much material that I feel like Wile E Coyote, a comic heartbeat after he realises he's run three steps over the edge of the canyon edge. *Looks down* *gulps* *looks to camera* *vanishes*
What on EARTH will I write about? Ach, but I felt this way when Jamie's Fantasy Game Show run out of juice; as you get older you realise that your heart will heal in time. There'll be other telly schools. They just grow up, leave you and break your heart *sniff*.
So what have we learned?
Apart from the fact that diameter is circumference divided by pi?
This week the documentarians at twofour gave us their all, in one mighty gasp of hole-in-one casting: Vinni (rap spelling and all) was brought back from the substitute bench, and we were introduced to their secret weapon of charm and awkward, vulnerable sincerity: Ryan, a boy so direct, so honest and so impeccably golden-hearted that the coldest, coldest heart would have thawed before him. If Liz Jones met him, she would renounce egotism and narcissistic cruelty.*
* Alas, not even he could do that.
|A teacher, yesterday.|
Vic, our grizzled Head of Paediatrics has seen it all; as he admits at the end, he lives and breathes the well-being of his community, but when they go, he has another cohort that needs and deserves the whole school's focus every bit as much as the last lot. It's a generational story. Like nurses and doctors, we need to conserve our compassion for those directly in our care: to do otherwise would be to attempt to stretch our hearts to shattering point, regardless of how oaken they are. When they go, we still care, we can even miss them, but we're needed elsewhere. The world has to take care of them by that point.
'X and Y are two Geometrically similar solid shapes.'
Mr Thomas, the Maths
|'Nice tie, boss.'|
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. As Ms Bird, the take-no-shit English Head of Department who got him through a remedial immersion course in English said, 'That's the pay-back,' when her young padawan squeezed a C in English- and who can blame her? We pay for our ambitions, like Fame, in sweat, and a win is a win, and we too deserve our moments. See, that;s the odd thing about our profession; when we win, others win. When they win, we win. To borrow from Aristotle, a virtuous man can only flourish in a virtuous community, and the community flourishes by the same process.
|'It's an imbroglio of epiphenomenalism, innit?'|
Poor Vinni couldn't come to the party- instead of the Golden Ticket that Willy Goddard had promised him for trying, he Did Not Pass Go, and had to settle for hovering outside on his bike looking wistful. He deserved it, of course. And it was still sad. Vinni himself, because he's not stupid, spoke with grace and no little dignity to Vic, and the moment where he could see all his peers disappearing inside was heart wrenching. But not as much as the moment when Goddard's reserve cracked and he fell into an abyss of regret for the way things turned out with Vinni. 'It's a no-fail organisation,' he said with tears, as a million viewers knew what he meant. It's not often telly does this to you, but I think we were all feeling it at that point.
We were spared the brutal spectacle of teachers dancing. That's one thing Vinni can be grateful for.
|'Pi so serious?'|
We knew, as soon as he spoke, that he wasn't like other people/
'I'm not like other people,' he said (see?) and I thought, Jesus, it's Michael Jackson in Thriller (John Landis's pointless, brilliant prologue to the King of Rohypnol's' Hallowe'en-conquering masterpiece).
'I don't mean super powered,' he added, in case we asked him to melt steel with his eyes or something. 'Different.'
|'What IS pi?'|
Ryan was nominated for a Jack Petchy award. Surrounded by five adults all gushing with praise for his character, including Vic himself, he looked a stunned. 'Very nice,' he said, as if he was doing them a favour. At that moment I was reminded: Kids Like Ryan are what we come to work for. Our job is to care for, to protect, to nurture and nourish KLRs as best as we can, and then set them free, into the world as carefully as we can, knowing full well that there's nothing more we can do; they've flown the nest. They may fall, or they may flourish, but from that moment on, they're in their own hands, or someone else's. Perhaps they always were, of course, but now we can no longer catch them when they fall. No wonder this job can break your heart- as we saw from Vic's reaction to Vinni's tumble.
Vic was in pieces as he confessed, 'If they fail, we fail.' His heart is so clearly in the right place, that I only cross him with caution, but I can only partly agree. When we have done everything we can, and when we have done even more than that, then we can only, we MUST be able to say that we have done our best. No man is responsible for things beyond his control, in the same way that I cannot be held to account for the actions of my ancestors.
Yet the quality of Vic's regret, and the sincerity of his guilt over the matter of the Fall of Vinni shows him to be a paragon amongst educators. His sentiments, while unrepresentative of his real responsibility, contain an emotional, maybe a spiritual truth. Who would you rather taught your children- someone who saw it as a holy mission to help them to flourish, or A N Other? I suspect I could give you my answer so quickly it would shame a mongoose auditioning for Kipling.
|'What IS pi?'|
In a society where automatic deference to authority has melted away in the race to support autonomy and child rights, the way we restore order and the hierarchy of age and experience is by structure, boundaries and loving care. We are expected to be so much more than the job description implies, and it's no wonder that so many people find the job hard these days. Society expects us to both fix and prevent its problems.
|'What IS pie?'|
Visit any school with even intermittently challenging students, and you will see the challenges that teachers face. Only some of the problems come from the students. In fact, the problems brought to us by the students, we can deal with: I have a Black Belt in dealing with stroppy kids and soap dodgers. The biggest problems we now face come from without, as education is marketised and riddled with bureaucracy like Swiss cheese, shoehorned into shapes by well-intentioned, but essentially quite stupid people.
|The mystery is solved at last. HERE it is.|
Personally, I hope they all get a chance to go to a school like Passmores. Gentlemen; ladies: I salute you, and all my colleagues in schools across Britain.
Clear off, scumbags. Until next lesson.
|'Have you heard of the Odyssey?' 'Is it a ship?'|
- I'm not saying the adverts that punctuated our favourite telly school were designed by Momus the Muse of irony, but the decision by Rimmel to flog their latest eye-spider gloop, seconds before Carrie 'What is Pi?' graced our screens was the most cunning piece of subliminal juxtaposition since Gilette started hawking razors during TOWIE. I'm just saying.
- Oh yeah, and another advert was for the DVD release of Bad Teacher.
- 'Sponsored by Honda' is a phrase you will be aware of, even if only at some crepuscular, lizard brain cave of your psyche. The last image we saw was of a courier hammering down some lonely tunnel, carrying precious cargo that bore the blazon: 'Human Blood: fragile.' It certainly is.
- Ryan's Oscar winning speech, where he picked himself up and Kanye Wested himself into Vic's emotional goodbye speech. 'Sorry Vic, Imma let you finish: but the last two years have been the best years EVER.' Rivers of molten mascara flowed down the central aisle of the assembly hall, and through the living rooms of Britain. I might have had a man-tear myself. A manly one, mind.
- Vinni's quick-as-a-flash assistance to his mate in Mr Drew's Panopticon, when asked what a rhetorical question was. He didn't even have to think before he described it with an example, and I thought to myself, that kid is smart. Hopefully in a few years he'll pick himself up and get it together, because there's brains in that young man's head.
- Bex Conway's valiant, brilliant pastoral efforts, as ever. Followed by some wry but possibly very wise advice from Mr King about KLVs: 'It's very ambitious to plan for a win; sometimes the most you can expect is a score draw.'
- twofour's website reports that Twitter saw over 100,000 tweets about the series. Sorry about that.
- The last episode accrued 7.4% of the available audience. What on EARTH was everyone else watching?
- 'School is a series of bruises.'- Vic. Amen to that.
|'We'll clear off, then.'|
If you want to know how the kids have gotten on after the show, go here to the Channel 4 website to get the skinny. Or if you can bear the Daily Mail, they've done a piece here.
Mr Drew is interviewed here.
Thank you for reading this far, masochist.